Rewind back to Easter weekend 2015. Pre Toni finally making the decision to change everything she knew about herself and her life...
Cue Terrified Toni making her normal Easter weekend plans with her family. Traditions all inclusive obviously. The Monday before the weekend, some good mates asked me if I wanted to come with them to Sodwana Bay and go diving for Easter… DIVING… me? I was terrified of the ocean. No ways… and to top it off my normal Easter plans would have to be blown off and what a hell of a catastrophe that would be!!! Tuesday came and I was actually thinking about it. It gave me anxiety, but hell… I was actually thinking about doing something out of my comfort zone! (The first 'AHAAA' moment I recall). My Goddess of a mother asked me to think of why I didn’t want to go and gave me the final push. Bless her. To be honest she probably played the hugest role in helping me change and get out of my comfort zone. She always made me question why I was making my decisions and was the only person telling me that I was being ridiculous and that I needed to experience more. That evening, I told my mates that I was in. Gosh it was all so last minute. If the choice to go wasn’t enough, I now had to plan a holiday AND pack in a week! “Surprisingly” I survived and made it to the big day. And off we went…
Sodwana Bay
After a about a nine hour road trip with the boys, we arrived in the small town of Sodwana. What a gorgeous and quaint little town. Completely devoted to Diving. There wasn’t much there except for a few restaurants and the Dive Camp that we were staying at. To be honest I wasn’t really sure I wanted to dive. I mean I was petrified of the ocean… and sharks… and not knowing what was around me or touching my foot… But alas the boys convinced me to listen to the instructor. We had come so far and it was silly for me not to try it out. I couldn’t argue with that. After chatting to the instructor I was told to complete an ‘Introduction to Diving’ course which I could do in 1 day and then complete 2 dives the following day with an instructor dedicated just to me. That’s probably the only reason I did it… I mean I was petrified of panicking under water and not knowing what to do, and if a shark came… I could push him in the way and swim away… Kidding.
Long story short. I got in the pool on the first day for lessons and I was shocked at how calm I was. It just felt so natural to me. My body and the water became one and my anxiety completely went away. The following day was ocean day. After my first day of diving, I couldn’t believe what was down there. This whole world I had no idea about existed. “What else was out there that I was missing?” (And that my friends was my first epiphany!). The colours and shapes of the coral, the thousands of fish. And I wasn’t one bit scared. I honestly have actually never felt that at home anywhere else before. We all just swam together in unison. Completely trusting and accepting of each other. No matter how different we were. Every animal just went with the flow. “What a world” I remember thinking. When I look back, this is probably where my idea of being a mermaid began. Where I could just live in the calm and accepting world of bubbles and happiness.
My New Realisation
I came home a new person. I obviously didn’t change overnight, but the seed had definitely been planted in my head. I realised that I wasn’t afraid of the ocean, but rather afraid of the unknown. Of things I couldn’t control. (To be honest, I still to this day get nervous when I am floating on the surface and have no idea what is lurking below me). But that opened up so much opportunity for thought for me. “What was I really scared of?”, “Why was I letting it hold me back?” and “What was that feeling that I felt so intensely down there?”. The wonder, desire, intrigue, excitement, complete and utter pure happiness and feeling of sheer peace. Ultimately, I remember wondering “What else was out there?” and that lit the little flame inside of me. To this day, that little flicker that was lit that weekend, has ignited a huge flame of passion and wanderlust within me. It burns bright and out of control. Sometimes so, that I wonder if I will ever be able to settle down and dampen down the blaze. I guess only time will tell.
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